Question: My husband and I have been married for almost ten years and lately we feel more like roommates than lovers. I love him and don’t want to leave the relationship, but I want more.  How can I increase my desire for him and for our relationship?

Dear Reader, 

You are not alone in finding yourself in this predicament between you and your partner. Long-term monogamous relationships are built on evolution. A lot of times when people get married, they take vows of commitment “till death do us part” and unconsciously (or consciously) feel like they can then relax. They don’t feel they have to grow or try much inside of the relationship. When something (or someone) is guaranteed to us, it doesn’t always bring out the best in us because we can so easily get lazy around tending to the things in our lives that are always going to be there. We feel like we can rely on it forever and in turn step all over it, neglect it, or even abuse it.  We stop caring and cherishing the relationship we once worked hard to initiate and keep. The person whom we once swooned to sweep up, now takes the last straw when it comes to our resources of time, energy, and prioritization.  

I say all of this with compassion. Our culture doesn’t allow much space to nourish the most important things in our lives – like our relationships with ourselves and others – including our bodies and the planet.  We have, as a society, become quite obsessed with productivity and possession of material things over connection and intimacy with each other. We push our kids to over-achieve in academics and sports and as adults to continue to climb the ladder of proverbial success until there is little time for real sustaining pleasurable experiences with nature, our bodies, and with others. Like mice, we run the hamster wheel of life every day not realizing that some of the most precious experiences are awaiting us right here in our own homes.  

As a couple gets married and settles down into owning a home, flourishing careers, and having children – slowly but surely the relationship gets chipped away into the far reaches of the closet. There is no room for the lust and attraction that once was. Our partners also become more important to us in the way of income, insurance, co-parenting, attachment, and otherwise. We tend to sink into normal, conforming, and non-threatening to the status quo behaviors as a way of not risking potential rejection or conflict with this person who now contributes greatly to our lives in more ways than one. What this does is keep the relationship secure but tanks the desire and attraction inside of the relationship. 

We end up ten or so years down the road, feeling bored, alone, and hungry for more. But there is so much intimacy that is waiting to be unlocked in the relationship. This crisis-stuck moment in the couple’s life can be a pivotal point for the two people in the partnership.  As the pressure of wanting evolution builds – it creates a make-it-or-break-it point for many relationships. Affairs, divorce, and perpetual states of conflict can often surround this period of evolution for the couple. What I want all of the readers to realize is that there is more going on here than meets the eye. This agitation in the waters of the relationship is a pull for the couple to grow. Not just together in the relationship, but individually as well. Moments like this in people’s lives are asking them to rebirth themselves and the relationship – to confront the ways we have sold ourselves and each other out for safety at the loss of something greater and more intimate. To discover something new in the relationship requires us to differentiate from our partner. We need to get more deeply inside of ourselves and be willing to say the things we want and be responsible for creating the kind of relationship we dream about, taking full responsibility for our happiness.  It will require the couple to make the relationship – and themselves – a priority again. Some couples will ultimately grow together during this time, and some may choose a different path. Either way, realizing that the relationship that we thought was guaranteed is not promised is an important first realization in moving forward because then we can get real about what we want and if we are willing to choose it again, cherishing the love that we committed to a decade or more ago. By acknowledging that our partners are not guaranteed to us and that they are not here to solely meet our life needs is a vital aspect of building desire in relationships. 

In long-term monogamous relationships, we begin to lose ourselves through the mill of our day-to-day lives. Desire depends on how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about our partner, and how we feel about the relationship.  So, these times require great inquiry and facing the shadows that have been created or stalking us along the way, wanting to be confronted and addressed. This requires building one’s capacity for adversity and difficult conversations and feelings. It can increase our emotional resilience and develop more resilience. Because we stop putting all the responsibility on our partners to take care of us and we start to own our own choices and needs, speaking to them and making them happen.  

If you aren’t feeling vulnerable, you are likely not feeling the edge of growth and these times in relationships require you to grow. The first step in building desire in your relationship is to look at where your partner and the relationship have become too important to your stability that you aren’t willing to be yourself inside of it or even make time for your partner and you to really see, feel, and experience each other in a vulnerable way. This requires you to make the relationship a priority again. Addressing these moments in relationships can be complicated because increasing desire, itself, is rooted so much in the psychological underpinnings of the dynamic with ourselves and with the relationship. It can be helpful to get some education and support around it from a couples therapist or other support!  

There is hope! This is ultimately, albeit uncomfortable, an exciting time for relationships. You are on the edge of potentially big growth together and the partnership can evolve into something greater than ever before – especially in the realms of physical and emotional intimacy. The second half of life can be some of the best years in the relationship. Let this be a signal to you that there may be more here than meets the eye and the thing that is happening in your relationship has so much more it wants to teach you and help you evolve.  

Jackie Paulson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with almost two decades of experience in the helping field. She specializes in working with couples and adults who may be experiencing a wide array of concerns; including, relationship difficulties, sexual function challenges, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief and loss, addiction, and life transitions.

She currently has openings for couples intensive work. Visit her website for more information. www. jackiepaulson.com