Q: I struggle with being myself. I feel a lot of anxiety in social situations and when interacting with people, even those who I am close to in my own life. I see many ways I am not acting like myself or how I truly feel, often putting on a face for others. I feel lonely, angry, and tired. How do I start being more of me?

Dear Reader, 

One of the ways that I work with the people who seek my help is through the lens of the body and the nervous system, as well as through a theory called Internal Family Systems. The body is a complex ecosystem that is comprised of many systems working together to allow the whole body to function. The nervous system, in my opinion, is one of the biggest drivers to the health and well-being of many of the other systems. All your body’s systems (hormones, muscles, digestion, mind, etc.) are all dancing with each other. One sometimes leads to the effect, and other times, it is responding to another system lead. I share all of this with you because I want you to know, first and foremost, that I don’t believe you will be able to fully analyze yourself out of this pattern that you are finding yourself in. What you describe sounds like a function of your body that has likely been in place for a very long time to keep you safe – and not just on a mental level, but on a physical one. 

We learned to maintain a sense of belonging when we were babies and young children. We do this out of survival because we depend on our caregivers so much at a young age. Gabor Mate, a leading expert in the field of trauma and childhood development, says that we have two main drives as humans, belonging and authenticity. At a young age, belonging becomes more important than being authentic. Because if we don’t belong, we are outcasts; if we are cast out, we cannot survive. So, belonging becomes the priority. As we grow up, we get to have more choices. Our understanding and conceptualization of the world expands and becomes more complex. We realize that we can provide for ourselves, but the pattern of selling our truth out for the sake of fitting in and not causing too much divide is now firmly set in place. Especially if, as a child, you learned how to appease and please your caregivers to feel a sense of closeness. 

In Internal Family Systems, we see these patterns in another way. This coping mechanism of people pleasing or fawning (meaning reflecting to others what you think they want to experience from you instead of being yourself and saying what is true for yourself) is a part inside of you that lives inside of the subconscious (which is the body) and that it wants to protect you from feeling pain at any cost. Perhaps that part doesn’t want you to feel left out, abandoned, rejected, or experience conflict. When we were kids, we didn’t know how to handle those feelings, and if our caregivers weren’t able to co-regulate with us and help guide us on building confidence to be with uncomfortable feelings or if there was a lot of misplaced anger, rage, or if conflict was confusing and not handled well in the home, we never became confident in our ability to handle those things. As adults, that protector part of fawning is still doing its job because it still believes you to be incapable of handling the hard task of experiencing pain and wants to avoid conflict at all costs. 

But the reality is that as an adult, you are much more capable than you often realize, and you have access to more choices and resources than you likely did as a child. When I have clients in my office that are working with fawning (which is A LOT – you are definitely not alone), I help them first recognize when it is happening and what is coming up inside of their body in the way of thoughts, images, movement (posture), emotions, and sensations. We start to develop a relationship with it to relate to it rather than from it. Then we start the reparenting process, in which you become the adult in this part and help it see the reality of its situation. The reality is that you can handle feelings that come up when we start to be more of ourselves and go against the grain of the group or relationship in which we find ourselves. We learn to become confident with ‘rupture and repair’ (the process of conflict and resolution in relationships), ‘awkwardness and discomfort in relationships’ (the natural feelings that arise when we express our true selves and it doesn’t align with others’ expectations), and how to stay inside of your own body instead of mapping (scanning) others and responding to what they want. 

We get you inside your body, understanding your preferences, desires, and boundaries, and then work somatically (with different techniques) to help your body and brain become more flexible so you can choose not to fawn. 

While the process may initially feel slow, the moment your body starts recognizing a new way of being, the transformation can be remarkably swift. It’s a feeling of absolute liberation. The body’s response to the healing process can be surprisingly rapid, leading to a newfound sense of freedom. 

If you’re ready to delve deeper into this journey of self-discovery and healing, I strongly recommend seeking the support of a therapist or somatic coach. Much of this healing occurs within the context of a supportive relationship, and having a knowledgeable guide and a neutral mirror can be immensely beneficial in helping you explore and embrace new ways of being. 

If anyone reading this is struggling with fawning, don’t hesitate to reach out. I can point you in the right direction for your desires.

With love, Jackie 

Jackie Paulson is a therapist, yoga practitioner, and certified Body Temple Dance Facilitator. She works with individuals and couples and often facilitates healing work in circles. Her approach is humanistic and somatic, meaning she works with people on the level of the body and holds a space that welcomes it all. Jackie believes that each person has an innate ability to empower themselves and journey through any experience with the right support.